220: Vacillating Between Two Relationships

Hi everyone, I’m Dr. Marie Murphy, and I’m a non-judgmental infidelity coach.  If you are cheating on your partner, or having an affair, or engaging in anything you think counts as infidelity, I can help you deal with your feelings, clarify what you want, and make decisions about what you’re going to do.  No shame, no blame, no judgments.  A lot of the so-called advice that’s out there for people who are cheating is little more than thinly veiled judgment, but that is not what I provide.  I give you guidance and support that respects the fullness of your humanity, and the complexity of your situation – no matter what you’re doing.  When you’re ready to start dealing with your infidelity situation in a way that you feel great about, let’s get to work.  There are two ways you can have me as you coach: you can enroll in my self-guided course, You’re Not the Only One, or we can work together one-on-one via Zoom.  To get started with either of these options, go to my website, mariemurphyphd.com.

Okay people.  Today we are going to talk about vacillating between two relationships.  Vacillating means wavering or alternating between different options.  It means going back and forth between one course of action and another course of action.  It may look like committing to a certain course of action – or almost committing to it – and then quickly reversing course, and choosing the other option instead.  And I work with a lot of people who are vacillating between two relationships.

A fair number of people come to me because they’re in two relationships and they really don’t want to be in two relationships.  They know they don’t want to be in any kind of infidelity situation.  They’re very sure about that.  And they know they also don’t want to be in any kind of non-monogamous relationship situation, even if all of the parties involved know what’s going on.  They just want to be in one relationship, with one person, and they are sure of that.

However, they don’t know which of their two current relationships they want to go all-in on.  They really like a lot of things about both relationships.  They really like a lot of things about both of their partners, or both of the people they’re involved with.  And often, by the time people get to me, they’ve already gone through very elaborate and extensive processes of comparing their two relationships.  And often, they’ve come to the conclusion that they value both of their partners and both of their relationships, but in very different ways.  They’ve recognized that they’re choosing between two good options, but two very different good options.

And so the problem they’re facing is that they don’t know how to choose.  They think they’re ready to make a choice to pursue one relationship and relinquish the other, but as soon as they think they’ve made that decision, they change their mind!  And then as soon as they’re pretty sure they really do want to choose the other person, as soon as they get close to making that decision and committing to it, the reasons why they should choose their OTHER person start to seem really compelling all over again.  And so the process of choosing between these two people goes on, and on, and on.

Or maybe what happens is you actually make a choice about which relationship to continue and which relationship to end, and you act in the service of that choice – meaning, you break up with one person, and you tell the other person you want to be with them and only them.  But then a day goes by, or a week goes by, and you go, “Oh my god, I think I made a big mistake,” and then you TELL the parties involved that you’ve made a mistake, and you un-do your decision.  You break up with the person you said you wanted to be with, and you ask for the person you originally broke up with to take you back.

But then maybe you question your decision, or change your mind entirely, forty-eight hours later.

If you’re in this kind of situation, or you’ve ever been in this kind of a situation, you know that it can go on for an impressively long time!  You know that it is possible to vacillate between two relationships for quite a while.  And you may be exhausted by the never-ending ping pong match that’s going on in your head and your heart!  You may really WANT to make a choice about your relationships, and stick with it.  But you just can’t quite seem to make a choice, or if you have, you just can’t seem to make the choice stick.

And if you’re in this kind of situation, you may be starting to think that there’s something wrong with you.  You may be thinking that you’re flaky, or incapable of deciding, or incapable of committing.  And, plus, you may be really tired of what’s going on!  You may really want to commit to one particular path already, and not being able to do that, despite wanting to, may be getting really frustrating and crazy-making.

Here's what I want you to know if you’ve been vacillating between two relationships.  There isn’t anything wrong with you, but you may need to adjust some of your thinking about your whole situation.  You might even need to adjust a LOT of your thinking about your whole situation, if what you want is to make a choice and stick to it.

So if you’ve been vacillating between two relationships and you want to stop, here’s where I want you to start.

First and foremost, I want you to get REALLY clear on whether you actually want to make a choice or not. 

When it comes right down to it, you might not.  Although a lot of people I’ve worked with sincerely do want to make a choice and just don’t know how to make one and stick with it, I have also worked with plenty of folks who like the idea of making a choice but don’t actually want to make a choice.

And if that’s the case for you, that’s okay!  But if that’s where you’re at, the really important thing is to be willing to recognize that you don’t want to make a choice, and then quit the whole decision-making charade!  You have the option of taking the pressure off and saying, you know what, I’m just not going to make a decision about my relationships right now.  I’m going to keep doing this not-deciding thing, and although that choice has consequences, I’ll deal with them, because I just don’t want to choose one relationship over the other at this point. 

Because here’s the thing about making decisions.  Making a decision requires you to give something up.  Or give some things, plural, up!  And more specifically, if you want to be in one relationship, rather than two, that means giving up one relationship.  It may mean effectively giving up one person, or at least, it may mean giving up some, or a lot of the things you share with one person.  And as much as you may like the idea of simplifying your life by being in one relationship only, when push comes to shove, you may not want to give up either of your relationships!

And my guess is that if you’ve been vacillating between two relationships, you haven’t fully gotten your head around the idea that making a decision means ending – or ending some parts of – one of your relationships.  My guess is that you are, at least to an extent, fighting the idea that you’re going to have to relinquish something in order to make a choice.

And that something isn’t just a THING!  It’s a person.  It’s a relationship with a person.  And that person and your relationship with them may have qualities that you really value and appreciate and enjoy and love. 

And BOTH of the people you’re involved with may have qualities that you really value and appreciate and enjoy and love!  If you’ve been having a hard time choosing between two relationships, my guess is that you’re trying to choose between two relationships that you value in different ways.  And a lot of people find that very hard to do.  We tend to find it pretty easy to make a choice when the choice is between something we know we really like and something we know we don’t like.  But many of us find it a lot harder to choose between two things that we like very much, but in different ways, or for different reasons.

And a lot of us don’t like the idea of giving up something that we like, especially if it’s something that we like very much.  We may like the reason why we might choose to give up the thing that we like, but that’s different from actually liking the experience of giving up the thing.

That’s one of the main reasons why people vacillate between two relationships.  You may experience it to be really hard to say goodbye to something you don’t really want to say goodbye to!  And if you have the option to NOT say goodbye to it, or not fully say goodbye to it, you may choose to exercise that option, and you may continue to exercise that option!  So for example, let’s say you’re married, and you’re having an affair, and your spouse either doesn’t know or is pretending to not know, and certainly isn’t putting any pressure on you to make a decision between them and your affair partner.  And perhaps your affair partner may not like it that you haven’t yet decided which relationship you want to pursue, but they also aren’t going anywhere.  They’re continuing their relationship with you.  OR maybe your spouse does know about your affair partner, but they’re leaving the decision about the fate of the marriage up to you.  They know you’re involved with someone else, but they aren’t walking away.  They’re waiting to see what you decide.

In these sorts of scenarios, where nobody is walking away from you, and there isn’t that much external pressure on you to make a decision, you may find it quite comfortable in some respects to keep both relationships going – or at least, to not make a final decision about which relationship to end and which to continue.  But you also may find it terribly uncomfortable to be in this situation, if what you really want is to make a decision and be in one relationship.  Oh, the irony.

Now, on the other hand, if one or both of the people you’re involved with are pressuring you to make a decision about which relationship you are going to continue, you may put that pressure on yourself to the point where you can’t think clearly about what you want anymore.  You may feel so much urgency to make a decision, so you make one – but you aren’t really sure if that decision is the one you truly want to make.  That can feel pretty terrible too, and can also lead to vacillating.

So to reiterate the first essential point, if you want to stop vacillating between two relationships, you have to be willing to make a decision between those two relationships. 

And with that comes the second essential point, which is, you must be willing to relinquish something – or someone – that you don’t want to relinquish.  Or at least you must be willing to give up something that you value and appreciate and enjoy.  Perhaps very much.

Now remember, the point of doing this is to be able to achieve your goal of being in ONE relationship.  If that’s what you want, you can only achieve this by being willing to end all but one of your relationships.  There isn’t some crazy hack that’s going to get you out of this one. 

And I know it sounds really obvious that that’s the case when I talk about it this way.  But when you’re actually living in this situation, when you’re actually trying to choose between two people you care about very much, it can easily seem like there SHOULD be some crazy hack that can get you out of your predicament!  How on earth could you possibly let EITHER of your precious people go, you may ask?  Even if you really want the simplicity of being in just one relationship, the thought of giving one of your people up may seem like a terrible thing to have to do.  I know.

But here’s the deal, people.  Sometimes, if we want to move forward in life, the only way to do it is to choose one thing over another.  Or choose one thing over ALL others.  Sometimes the only way to move forward is to relinquish something – or many things – that we really value, so that we may fully devote ourselves to a particular something or someone.  Sometimes the only way to get what we want is to give up something else.

And with that, we have to be willing to tolerate the feelings that come along with voluntarily relinquishing something that’s really good – or at least, really good in some ways.  And this is the part where so many people who are vacillating between two relationships get even more confused.

Let me explain.

If you know you want to be in one relationship, and you feel great about your reasons for wanting that, simply picking one relationship over another may feel like a huge win.  You did it!  You chose one person!  You’re no longer in two relationships!  You may feel an immense amount of relief, and that may feel AMAZING.  The stress of being in two relationships, and the stress of trying to choose between your two relationships may have been significant, and simply relieving yourself of that stress may seem like a major victory.

But then, sooner or later – and perhaps pretty darn soon – you may start to miss the person you chose to end your relationship with.  You might miss them a LOT.  And you might not feel all that thrilled to be with the person you chose to be with.  You might not feel terrible about your choice, but you also might not feel awesome about it.

If you made a hasty decision, this kind of experience might be an indication that you need to go back and revisit your decision-making process.  Sometimes we’re in such a rush to make a choice that we don’t make our choice for clear reasons that we like.  And if that’s what happened with you, you may want to go back and make a decision more systematically and deliberately.  And that is something I can absolutely help you with, whether you enroll in my self-guided course, or we work together one-on-one.

But here’s the really important thing I want to stress today: even if you have made a decision about which relationship to continue and which to end for clear reasons that you truly like, your brain may still throw a tantrum when you act on that decision.  Why?  Because part of you may want to be in one relationship, but part of you wants the good that comes from both relationships, or each relationship!  On a certain level, giving up the good in one of your relationships may seem like a terrible idea.  Even if by pursuing one relationship rather than two you are setting yourself up to get more of what you want in the long term, by giving up one relationship, you are probably forfeiting a lot of short-term gratification.  And your brain probably will not like that very much.  And it will probably stage a very loud, very dramatic, potentially very prolonged protest.

When we relinquish something that we like, and when we start to deal with the experience of not having that thing that we like, it can easily seem like something has gone terribly wrong.  It’s like deciding that you’re going to quit drinking or smoking or eating cheeseburgers or snorting heroin because you truly believe it would be better for you to quit.  As much as you believe that there is benefit in quitting whatever it is you’re quitting, in the short term, not being able to have that shot of bourbon when you want it may seem like a CRISIS. 

But is it a crisis?  Probably not.  It’s probably just your brain throwing a fit because it wants something it really likes, and has grown accustomed to having whenever it wants.

Put simply, giving up something we like may not be very fun at all.  And we can easily interpret this as a problem.

But what if it’s not a problem?  What if it’s just a thing that we have to experience if we want to change our habits?  What if this not-fun is just a thing we have to experience if we want to concentrate our efforts in a particular way?

Now, there are more layers to this, of course.  When we’re giving up cheeseburgers or chocolate or wine or crack or whatever, we have to deal with our brain’s tendency to get mad when it doesn’t get what it wants.  But when we’re giving up a person, and a relationship, that tends to seem a whole more meaningful to us than giving up a food or a substance or a habit.  And that’s fair enough!  I’m not saying that human relationships should be viewed in the same way we view cupcakes or drugs or cocktails, even if there ARE similarities between how we react when we relinquish them.

When we give up a human relationship, we give up a particular experience of connection with a particular person.  And not having that anymore can seem like a really big deal to us.  And I think it’s fair to say that it can indeed be a really big deal to willingly relinquish a connection that we love and appreciate and value!  But even if it is a big deal, that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s a problem.  Even if relinquishing a relationship is a big deal, it doesn’t mean that you SHOULDN’T relinquish it.  Sometimes it hurts to give things up!  But that doesn’t mean that anything has gone wrong in the cosmic scheme of things.

But your brain may not see it this way.  Your brain may say, “Oh my god, I miss the person I gave up SO MUCH, I just can’t stand how much I miss them, and I have to do something about this right now.”

And that’s where the vacillating starts.

If we notice that we are missing someone who we just said goodbye to, we may interpret this as an indication that we made the wrong decision, and we need to chase after the person we miss.

But then the problem is, if we do that, and if we give up the OTHER person we were involved with, we may miss them, too.

It is entirely possible that you’re going to miss the person you relinquish, no matter which relationship you choose to end.  If you’re having a hard time choosing between two people, that’s a pretty good indication that you’ll miss either one of them.

So that’s the third essential thing I want to emphasize: if you are vacillating between two relationships, you are likely to miss either person.  Even if you’re saying goodbye to someone for reasons that you are okay with, you may still miss them.  Maybe a whole lot.

I really want to normalize this.  Some people have the idea that if they’ve made the right decision about which relationship to continue and which relationship to end, they will not miss the person they decided to end things with.  Let me make something absolutely clear: this is unlikely.  I suppose it’s not impossible, but it’s pretty darn unlikely.  Even if you’re choosing to be with someone wonderful, you will probably miss the other person you’ve said goodbye to. 

Knowing that this is likely to happen is really important, because so often, people interpret their experience of missing the person they broke up with as an indication that they shouldn’t have broken up with that person.  But it isn’t necessarily that at all.

And the trouble doesn’t stop there.  If you’re missing the person you broke things off with, and you’re interpreting this experience as a sign that you chose the wrong person, you probably aren’t engaging all that enthusiastically with the person you DID choose to stay with.  And if you aren’t engaging with them enthusiastically, it’s possible that your relationship with them will seem lackluster, and that may seem like additional evidence that you made the wrong choice!

And if you don’t know what else to do with yourself, you may well attempt to get yourself out of the relationship you chose to continue, and get yourself back into the one you originally chose to end.  And that pattern could continue for a few rounds!

So what’s the solution to all of this?

Assuming that you have made a decision about your relationships for clear reasons that you like, the solution is to deal with the transition from being in two relationships to being in one relationship very intentionally.  And that includes being willing to consciously relate to the emotions you’re feeling, and managing your thinking about your experience.  And you may not know how to do those things yet, but that’s okay, because I can teach you.  This is stuff that I teach everybody that I work with.

What this can look like in practice is being willing to experience the sadness – and perhaps deep, thick grief – that comes with ending one relationship, while ALSO enthusiastically participating in another.  How is it possible to do this, you may ask?  Well, let’s work together and I’ll teach you.  For now I’ll just say that when we make a major life decision – and ending one relationship and devoting ourselves to another may well count as a major life decision – we may feel a mixture of emotions, and a very intense mixture of emotions, at that. 

And we can learn how to tolerate – or even embrace – all of them, including the uncomfortable ones.  We can learn how to feel uncomfortable feelings without being completely hijacked by them.  We can feel our uncomfortable emotions, AND get on with the business of creating the life we want to live.

And if you’ve chosen to be in a particular relationship, you probably want to dedicate yourself to making that relationship as good as you can make it!  Right?  Isn’t that the whole point of choosing to be in a particular relationship?

Dedicating yourself to making a relationship great requires intentionality, and it often requires extra intentionality when you’re missing someone you’ve loved and said goodbye to.  But it IS possible to do both things at once.  You can miss the person you said goodbye to without WALLOWING in missing them.  You can intentionally focus on the person you chose to stay with, even if you also miss the person you aren’t with anymore.

And the more you intentionally invest in the relationship you chose to stay in, the better your decision to stay will seem.  The more presence and joy and love you put into your relationship, the more you will enjoy your relationship!  Instead of thinking about the one you let go, think about the one you chose to stay with!  Sure, you can think about the awesome things about the person you’re no longer with.  You don’t have to try to censor those thoughts from your consciousness.  But don’t over-indulge those thoughts!  Instead, focus on intentionally cultivating your thinking about how awesome the partner you chose to be with is! 

Sometimes coaches say, “the right decision is the decision you make right” and this is an example of what that means!  When you choose a relationship, you can choose to go all-in on that relationship.  And when you do that, you probably make your relationship pretty awesome.  And then you get to enjoy the benefits of being in an awesome relationship, and you get to prove to yourself that you made the right decision about which relationship to continue.

All right people, it’s one thing to hear me talk about this on the podcast but it is another thing entirely to have me help you put my teachings into use in your own life.  So if you’re ready to take your work with me to the next level, you have two options.  You can enroll in my online course, You’re Not the Only One, or we can work together one-on-one via Zoom.  One thing I hear from new clients quite regularly is, “I wish I’d started working with you sooner.  I’ve let my situation drag on for way too long, and it has had an impact on my life that I really don’t like.  I wish I’d dealt with all of this a lot sooner.”

Whatever your infidelity situation looks like, there’s a good chance it’s eating up a lot of your bandwidth.  And that, as far as I’m concerned, is one of the best reasons to start dealing with your infidelity situation in a way that you feel great about NOW.  That doesn’t mean that you have to do all the things today!  It means you get started dealing with your infidelity situation in a systematic, deliberate way today.  You take the first step today.  And I am here to help you do it!  If you don’t need my help, great – get to work and do your thing on your own!  But if you’ve been trying to do it on your own and you haven’t gotten very far, let’s work together.  Head on over to my website, mariemurphyphd.com to book an introductory coaching session with me or enroll in my course today.

And that, good humans, is it for now.  Bye.