232: How to Have Better Sex (Part 2)

Hi everyone, I’m Dr. Marie Murphy, and I’m a non-judgmental infidelity coach.  If you are cheating on your partner, or having an affair, or engaging in anything you think counts as infidelity, I can help you deal with your feelings, clarify what you want, and make decisions about what you’re going to do.  No shame, no blame, no judgments.  I help people with all phases and all aspects of infidelity situations, so no matter what your unique situation looks like, no matter what questions or challenges you’re struggling with, I can help you navigate your infidelity situation in a way that’s truly right for you.  Let’s be honest: engaging in infidelity can be exciting and life-affirming and wonderful, in so many ways and for so many reasons.  But engaging in infidelity can also be stressful and exhausting, and it can eat up a lot of your precious time and energy and sanity.  So when you’re ready for some relief and a clear path forward, let’s work together.  There are two ways you can have me as your coach: we can work together one-on-one via Zoom, or you can enroll in my online course, You’re Not the Only One.  To get started with either of these options, go to my website, mariemurphyphd.com.  I can’t wait to meet you.

All right.  In the previous episode, I started talking about the possibility that you might want to have better sex with someone that you haven’t had great – or even good – sex with in a long time, or perhaps have not had sex with at all in a long time.  And I talked about how important it is, if you are in this kind of situation, to take a few steps back and think about the context in which good sex occurs, or the conditions that make enjoyable sexual experiences possible.  I also talked about the fact that it IS possible to start – or re-start – having really enjoyable sex with someone you haven’t had great sex with in a while, or ever… but, I also emphasized that this may NOT be possible, and I talked about some of the indications that having better sex with a particular person just may not be in the cards.  And then I told you that if there weren’t any glaring indications that having better sex with the person you want to have better sex with might be very unlikely, your job was to start thinking about your person in ways that help you cultivate feelings of sexual desire for them.  Or at least, the stirrings of sexual desire for them.

And I gave you that assignment because if you can’t summon feelings of sexual desire for the person you think you want to have better sex with, the whole thing is kind of over before it starts.  There’s not much point in trying to have better sex with your partner if you don’t feel sexual desire for them!  This might sound obvious, but there are lots of reasons why people WANT to want to feel desire for their committed partner.  But wanting to want to something and truly wanting to do something are not the same thing.

However, if you are in the position of wanting to have better sex with someone, and you did what I suggested in my last episode, and you found that you were able to feel some desire for your partner, terrific.  Let’s talk about next steps for creating the conditions in which better sex with your partner might be possible.

I’m going to continue to operate from the example scenario I used last time.  In our example, you are married or are in a long-term committed relationship.  And you care about your spouse or committed partner very much, but your sex life with them has been dormant for a long time, or unsatisfactory for a long time.  Plus, you are or have been engaging in some kind of infidelity.  You’re either having an affair with a particular person, or you’ve been involved with multiple people – but whether it’s one person or a few or more, your infidelity sex has been AMAZING.  But, whether because of this or in spite of this, you would rather be having amazing sex – or at least, good sex – with your committed partner.

Many factors can contribute to having great sex, or better sex.  As I talked about last time, if we want to have better sex, it really helps to have a reasonably concrete understanding of what we enjoy sexually, or what we want to explore sexually.  The point isn’t that you have to commit to a set of likes and dislikes and stick to them forever, but rather that having a reasonably clear idea of what you want will help you get it. 

We often operate under the vague but powerful assumption that great sex is something that either just happens or just doesn’t happen, but that’s not quite how it works.  We have a fair amount of power to make great sex happen, or at least, make it a lot more likely.

Today I want to talk about a few other factors that contribute to having better sex, which are closely related to each other.

I am willing to bet that your experiences of great sex have had a few very important things in common.  I’m willing to bet that when you have experienced great sex, you have been fully present for the experience.  I’m willing to bet that you have been all-in on experiencing what was happening in the moment.  I’m willing to bet that when you’ve had great sex, you have been totally engaged with your partner and whatever you were doing with them.  I’m willing to bet that when you’ve had your best experiences of sex, you have been totally focused on your partner – or partners – and your experience of being in your body, and whatever else may have been relevant to your experience of being in the moment.  I’m willing to bet that when you’ve had great sex, you were NOT thinking about your job, or your best friend’s cat dying, or needing new tires for your car, or your next vacation, or your kid’s tennis tournament, or when you’re due for your next colonoscopy. Right? 

Now, I’m not saying that presence alone, or focus alone is what makes sex great.  But I am saying that it’s going to be pretty hard to have great sex if you aren’t fully present, engaged, and focused on what’s happening. 

And here’s the thing.  Sometimes it’s really easy to be fully present, completely engaged, and totally focused.  Sometimes being present, engaged, and focused takes very little conscious effort.  And it can be really lovely to have this kind of experience!  Finding yourself completely absorbed in something without having had to put any work into focusing on it can be wonderful.  It’s like watching a movie that you are immediately intrigued by.  Paying attention comes effortlessly, and that can be a really enjoyable experience.

But sometimes, paying attention doesn’t come effortlessly. 

Sometimes it takes a LOT of effort to be even remotely present, focused, and engaged – even when we theoretically WANT to be present, focused, or engaged.  And sometimes, the only way to get what we want to out of life is to summon the will and exert the effort to be intentionally present, focused, and engaged.  For example, even if you love your work, there may times when you would rather enjoy the myriad distractions that are readily available to us than do the next task at hand.  Even if you care deeply about the work you do, there may be times when you have to firmly and deliberately keep your focus on your duties if you want to get anything done. 

And this isn’t a problem!  It’s just a reflection of the fact that even when we really love and care about something, our minds may not automatically focus on that something.  We can easily squander our focus.  We can easily succumb to distraction.  But, the good news is, using our power to focus more intentionally is a skill we can cultivate.  And that’s going to be an important skill to cultivate if you want to have better sex with someone you haven’t had great sex with in a while.

Chances are pretty good that if you’ve been with your committed partner for a while and you haven’t been having satisfying sex with them for a long time, you have gotten out of the habit of being present, focused, and engaged with them.  You may never have cultivated the habit of deliberately being present and engaged with them.  Perhaps at one point in time, you were able to focus on them without exerting much effort, but as soon as paying attention to them started to require effort, you may kind of stopped doing it.

And there’s nothing wrong with you if you did this, or did something similar to this!  We are taught, implicitly and explicitly, that love and attraction and desire are experiences that just happen to us, and that naturally fizzle out over time.  So many of us never got the message that love and attraction and desire can be cultivated deliberately and intentionally.

But indeed, you CAN cultivate love and attraction and desire deliberately and intentionally, and what I want to suggest to you today is that being present and engaged with someone is the foundation upon which love and attraction and desire can be deliberately built.

Now here’s the thing.  If you are engaging in infidelity, and having incredible sex with someone other than your committed partner, and that incredible sex comes effortlessly, the question on your mind might be, “Well why should I bother trying to have better sex with my spouse if it’s going to take so much effort?  The great sex I’m having with this other person just HAPPENS, and it’s amazing!  Why should I have to put all of this effort into connecting with my spouse?”

And the answer is, you don’t have to, and shouldn’t unless you want to.  But you might want to!  A lot of people find that effortless, or automatic, knee-jerk attraction dissipates over time.  But that doesn’t have to be a problem, because the kind of attraction and love and desire you have the power to cultivate intentionally can be even deeper and richer than the kind of feelings you may experience unintentionally.  Effortless attraction can be great, for sure.  But it’s not the only version of great. 

It’s also important to point out that if you have been involved with your spouse or committed partner for any length of time, you probably share a lot of life business with them that has the potential to dilute or distract from your attraction to them, or the potential for you to be attracted to them.  On the other hand, your relationship with your affair partner is probably pretty protected from distractions.  You and your paramour probably want to focus on each other, and you probably have the opportunity to enjoy doing exactly that, without anything else competing for your attention – and, your time together is probably limited, so you probably take full advantage of that time by being fully present with them.

It may seem hard, or even impossible, to create that kind of focus with your committed partner.  But I want to suggest that it really is possible to be a lot more present with your committed partner, and I want to suggest that even if there are a lot of potential distractions that could interfere with you focusing on them, you get to choose how you deal with those potential distractions.

So, if you want to have better sex with your committed partner, the next assignment I have for you is to practice being fully present with them.

What does this look like in practice?  What do you actually DO to be present with your partner?  Well, it’s pretty simple.  You just be with your partner, or engage with your partner, and give them your full attention.  This is incredibly simple.  You might have all kinds of reasons why you don’t want to just do this, but you really can just practice doing this. 

Spend some time with them and give them your full attention.  You don’t have to stare at them as if you’re scrutinizing their every move.  Just turn your focus towards them, and away from other things.  It can be a soft focus – just make sure it’s undiluted focus.  Put your phone down.  Set your mental to-do list aside.  Allow whatever tasks you could be accomplishing to go undone for the moment.  See what it’s like to just be attuned to your partner – even if nothing terribly exciting is going on, and even if they aren’t doing anything that you find particularly captivating. 

Now, you don’t have to JUST focus on them, you can engage with them, too.  If they’re talking to you, pay attention to what they say.  Practice being interested in them, and curious about them.  And see if you can do this even if they’re talking about things that are not inherently fascinating to you.  Don’t freak out – I’m not telling you that you have to doom yourself to an eternity of conversations about things you don’t want to talk about.  But I’m willing to bet that if you have an affair partner, and you’ve been having great sex with them, you are pretty darn fascinated by nearly everything they say.  And it’s not because everything they’re saying is inherently fascinating.  It’s because you’ve decided to be interested in them.  You may not have made that choice with conscious effort!  But it’s a still a choice.

See if you can intentionally choose to be more interested in your committed partner.  I know it may take effort, but do it anyway.

Sometimes when we’ve known someone for a long time, we start to believe that we know everything we could possibly know about them.  But do you really know everything about your committed partner?  Do you know how their day went today?  Maybe not yet.  Do you know about their inner experience of their day, beyond the basic details of what happened?  What did they take delight in?  What did they struggle with?  What’s something that’s bothering them?  What’s something they’re looking forward to?  What are they hopeful about?  What are they worried about?  You might not know much about their current state of being.  And even if you do know something about their current state of being, there’s probably room for you to learn more.

So ask them questions!  You can start by simply asking how their day was, and paying attention to their answers, and asking questions in response to their answers.  Or you can talk about other topics.  The point is to take responsibility for engaging with them, and taking an interest in them – rather than expecting them to do something or say something that you find really exciting or engaging.  Practice meeting them with curiosity, right where they are.  If you have no idea how to do this with your particular partner, book yourself a coaching session with me and we will come up with a plan that meets your specific needs. 

And when you’re talking to your partner, find ways of demonstrating that you are present with them.  Ask follow-up questions that indicate you’ve listened to what they’ve already said.  Look at them when they’re talking. Stay with them, stay with what’s happening, even if nothing amazing seems to be going on.

And on that note, it’s entirely possible that when you practice being more present and engaged with your partner, nothing miraculous will happen right away.  If it has been years since you asked your spouse how their day was, they may not trust that you’re actually interested in hearing their answer!  They may say “fine,” and go back to whatever they were doing before you posed your question.  If they do that, that’s okay.  Your job is to stay present even if you don’t get a reaction from them that you find immediately gratifying. 

Even if you ask your spouse how their day was and they have a lively response for you, you may still feel the urge to check your phone, or get up and do something else, or let your eyes glaze over as you start thinking about something that seems more interesting to you.  Practice staying present.  Your brain may want to find something to focus on that seems insanely and immediately entertaining, thus providing you with a nice big dopamine hit.  There’s nothing wrong with wanting a nice big dopamine hit, but if you want longer-term satisfaction, you have to learn how to stick with things that are not giving you instant gratification.  And although practicing being present with and interested in your spouse MIGHT bring you some instant gratification, it also may be a longer game.

Now, what a lot of my clients say when we talk about this is, “Well, my spouse just isn’t that interesting to me, so it’s hard for me to pay attention to them.”  I’m sympathetic to this, but this can become kind of a chicken and egg problem.  It’s hard to find anything interesting if you aren’t paying attention to it.  And if you don’t find something interesting, you may pay less attention to it, and then it becomes even less interesting.  And so goes the cycle.    

Remember: we are assuming that you have decided that you truly want to have better sex with your spouse.  If you find yourself making excuses for why you can’t be present and engaged with them and curious about them, that could be an indication that you’re not really interested in having better sex with your spouse as an end goal in and of itself.  It could be an indication that you want to have better sex as a means to some other end – like, for instance, finding a way to avoid getting divorced. 

People, trying to solve the wrong problem is never easier than trying to solve the right problem.  If you say you want to have better sex with your spouse but you’re coming up with all kinds of reasons why you can’t be present with them and ask them about their day and listen with genuine interest when they respond to you, you may be bullshitting yourself about what you really want. 

However, it could be the case that you’re not in the habit of being present with your spouse, and changing that habit takes effort, and you may resist putting in that effort simply because it doesn’t yield any instant gratification.  Your brain telling you, “I don’t wanna do that thing that isn’t immediately exciting” is not necessarily an indication that you shouldn’t do it.  You might really WANT the thing that requires sustained effort and focus to create.  You might well be able to be very interested in your spouse if you gave yourself the opportunity to be interested in them.

So your job is to practice being consistently present and engaged with your spouse, and curious about and attentive towards them.  In your everyday, non-sexual interactions.  If you are currently having sex with them, by all means, be present and engaged with them then, too!  But if you aren’t currently having sex, start with being more engaged with them in non-sexual moments.

I know some of you are still wondering what you can actually do to be present and engaged with your spouse beyond asking them how their day was.  There are lots of possibilities, but I really want to stress the importance of simple, unglamourous actions.  Pay attention to them when you are interacting with them.  Listen to them when they talk.  Look at them when they talk.  Think about what they say and do, and respond to them thoughtfully.  Ask more questions. 

If you currently have any physical contact with your spouse, see if you can infuse a little more warmth into that.  If you routinely give each other a quick kiss at certain points of the day, see if you can be fully engaged in that kiss, even if it only lasts a second.  If you can stay with the kiss for two seconds instead of one, do that.  If you can look into your partner’s eyes and smile at them after you kiss, so much the better.  And of course, as you do this, be fully engaged in that kiss!  In that moment, nothing else requires your attention!  In that moment, your sole purpose is to be present as you kiss your partner.  Nothing else matters.

People often say, “Oh, to reconnect with your partner, you need to go on date nights.”  Some people – even many so-called relationship experts – think that date nights are THE way to enhance your connection with your partner.  You know what I say to that?  FUCK DATE NIGHTS.  Here’s WHY I say that: you can go on a dozen dates with your spouse and not be present for any of them.  What good will those date nights do you then?  So, sure, go on date nights if you want to.  Plan fun things to do with your partner if you want to.  But if you are not present and engaged with your partner when you do these things, these activities in and of themselves will not do much for your relationship.

So practice being focused on your partner in any context that you can.  You can do this even if you aren’t in the same physical space.  If you’re on the phone with someone, you can tell if they’re distracted.  You can tell if they’re engaged.  No opportunity to be present and engaged with your partner is too small or too mundane.

Now here’s the thing: in order for this practice to generate any kind of results, you have to do it consistently, and you have to do it for a while.  What counts as a while?  It depends on your situation, but I say start with two weeks.  For two weeks, practice focusing on your partner and being present with your partner without expecting anything in return.  Find a way to do this every single day.

Why do this?  Why practice being present with your partner, even if it takes effort, and isn’t necessarily fun?  Well, for one thing, if you’re going to enjoy having sex with them, you’re going to need to be present and engaged.  How can you fully enjoy anything if you aren’t focused on the thing you are enjoying?  And if you’re out of the habit of being engaged with your partner, you need to rebuild this habit.  Furthermore, if you’re going to take your sex life from wherever it is to where you want it to go, you’re going to need to be really curious about your partner’s experiences of sex.  We’ll talk more about that in the next episode.  I promise we are finally going to talk about sex next time.  For now though, work on cultivating your engagement with them in non-sexual ways.

Another reason why it’s so important to consistently practice engaging with your partner is that before you can work on your sexual relationship with them, they may need to know that you’re actually interested in them at all.  If you have been checked out of your relationship with them for any length of time, they may have picked up on that.  And it’s possible that you have been signaling disinterest or indifference for a while now.  And they may have started to disengage from you a little bit, too – or maybe more than a little bit.  In order for better sex to even become a possibility, they may need to see consistent evidence that you are interested in them, and in connecting with them. 

I know you may be inclined to say, “Well, I need to see that my partner is interested in me, too.  This can’t just be a one-sided thing.”  That’s fair enough!  But for now, I want you to take responsibility for yourself, and for what you’re putting into the relationship.  Be willing to take the lead in ushering in a new era of connecting with your partner.  Make use of your power to be the one who initiates positive change.  If your partner doesn’t reciprocate within a reasonable timeframe, you can deal with that if and when that becomes an issue.  For now, practice doing what you can to engage with your partner with focus and curiosity.

And see what happens!  We’ll talk about possible outcomes of this exercise, and where you can go from here next time.  And, as I said earlier, I am going to actually start talking about sex next time.  I’m going to talk about how you can start thinking about how you might begin the project of trying to have better sex with your spouse – not just about how you can set the stage for doing that.  But everything I talked about in the last episode and this episode is such important foundational work.

If you’re in the midst of this process yourself, if you’re trying to have better sex with a particular person and it hasn’t been going well, I can help you evaluate your situation and help you figure out what you want to do differently.  And of course, I can help you deal with all things related to your infidelity situation in a way that no one else can.  If you’re ready to work with me one-on-one, schedule an introductory coaching session with me today.  I hold my one-on-one coaching sessions via Zoom, so we can work together no matter where you’re located.  And if you’re not in need of one-on-one coaching, but you love this podcast, and you want to learn more from me, enroll in my course, You’re Not the Only One.  This course gives you structured teachings and assignments that will help you deal with your infidelity situation in a way that you feel great about.  To book an introductory coaching session or enroll in my course, go to my website, mariemurphyphd.com.

Thank you all so much for listening!  I wish you a wonderful day.  Bye for now.