225: Drunken One-Night Stands

Hi everyone, I’m Dr. Marie Murphy, and I’m a non-judgmental infidelity coach.  And I have a question for you: how much of your precious time and energy have you spent dealing with the challenges associated with your infidelity situation?  The answer is: probably too much.  Possibly even WAY too much.  And if that’s the case, I encourage you to ask yourself how much MORE of your precious time and energy you’re willing to dedicate to dealing with the drama and difficulties of your infidelity situation.  I am willing to bet that you have important things going on in your life that are worthy of time and energy that your infidelity situation is gobbling up.  Now, let me assure you that I know there are some GREAT things about your infidelity situation, in addition to the not-so-great stuff.  I know that well.  But the not-so-great aspects of your infidelity situation can consume a lot of your life.  And that matters, because you probably have other important things to attend to!

So when you’re ready to start dealing with your infidelity situation in a way that’s truly right for you, so that you can reclaim the bandwidth it has been eating up, let’s work together.  There are two ways you can have me as your coach.  We can work together one-on-one via Zoom, or you can enroll in my self-guided course, You’re Not the Only One.  To get started with either of these options, go to my website, mariemurphyphd.com.  Let’s find you some relief and a clear path forward.

Okay, today we are going to talk about drunken one-night stands.  There are lots of things we might say about drunken one-night stands that have an infidelity component to them.  Most of the questions I get about one-night stands come from people who are in committed relationships that are supposed to be monogamous, and they have had a one-night stand – or perhaps a few-night stand – with someone when they were under the influence of alcohol or something otherwise intoxicating.  And from this group of people, two of the most common questions I’m asked are, “Do I have to tell my partner?” and “What does it MEAN that I had a one-night stand?”  More specifically, people are usually asking, “What does my drunken one-night stand mean about my feelings for my committed relationship?  Is it a sign that I don’t want to be in my relationship anymore?” or something along those lines.

I’m going to address these two questions, but I’m going to go about doing that in way that’s going to answer a lot of other questions about drunken one-night stands, too.

The first thing I want to say is that if you had a drunken one-night stand, it might be a really simple thing for you – you were drunk.  You know you wouldn’t have done what you did if you were not drunk.  You know you really like your partner, and your relationship with them, and you just want to forget about the whole thing and move on.  If that’s where you stand, fantastic.  Your drunken one-night stand does not have to be a big deal.

BUT, if you need help thinking through your one-night stand, and what it might mean to you, and what you might want to do about it, today’s episode is for you.

If you’ve had a drunken one-night stand and you’re out of sorts about it, the first thing I want you to do is get clear on the facts of what happened.  What are the straightforward, non-negotiable facts of your experience?  If you don’t remember parts of your experience, that’s okay – let that be one of the facts: this happened, and then this happened, and then this happened, and then after that I don’t remember what happened.

Now this brings me to a very important point: in this podcast episode, I am going to be talking about consensual one-night stands.  If you don’t remember what happened during your experience, and you’re not sure if you consented to whatever happened, that is important to take seriously.  But non-consensual sex is beyond the scope of this podcast.  If you think you experienced sex that you didn’t consent to, please take that seriously, and seek the appropriate resources.

Is there some grey area here?  Does consent have the potential to be ambiguous, especially when there are intoxicated parties involved?  Sure.  But I’m not going to get into that either, today, because that’s a big topic in its own right.  Again, though, if the issue for you is that you had a one-night stand and you were intoxicated and one of your concerns has to do with consent, I encourage you to take that seriously, and seek resources beyond this one.

But assuming your encounter WAS consensual, I want you to do what I asked you to do a moment ago.  Describe what happened as factually as you can.

I’m asking you to do this for two reasons.  One is, sometimes people say “I just don’t know what happened!” or “I just don’t know how this happened!” when they’re describing their one-night stand.  And yes, if you were blackout drunk, you truly may not remember what happened.  But sometimes when people who consented to their one-night stand say “I just don’t know what happened,” they don’t mean that literally.  They often mean something else.  What they often mean is something along the long the lines of, “I can’t believe I did that,” or “I don’t know how to deal with what happened.”  And we’ll talk about that in a moment.

But first, just spell out the facts of what happened without putting your narrative spin on it.  So maybe the facts of your situation go something like this: I went to Las Vegas for the weekend with three friends, and I met an attractive stranger at the bar, and we started talking, and we were drinking together, and things got very flirtatious, and we had more drinks, and then I took them up to my hotel room and we had sex all night.  And then the next morning we said, it was really nice meeting you, let’s NOT exchange phone numbers, bye.  Or whatever!  That’s just an example.  Spell out the facts of your experience.

After you have done that, let’s start to investigate why you choose to do what you did.  And yes, right out of the gate, we can assume that alcohol or some other intoxicant played a role in the decisions you made.  Sure.  But it’s also important to recognize your own agency, and to scrutinize what you were thinking when you did what you did.  Even if alcohol influenced your decision-making, what were you thinking when you chose to do what you did? 

For instance, were you consciously trying to have a one-night stand when yours occurred?  Maybe you were – and you just haven’t admitted that to yourself up to this point!  This is a thing that happens!  If you’re in a committed relationship and your life is pretty good and you care about your partner and you would never want to do anything to hurt them, it might be hard to admit that you were actually kind of looking for some action when your one-night stand happened.  I’m not saying that everyone who has a drunken one-night stand did so very deliberately and intentionally.  But some people do!  And this is hard for some people to admit to themselves because two things are true at once for them: they want to be a good spouse or a good partner.  They want to do the things they think they’re supposed to do, and not do the things they aren’t supposed to do.  But… they also just really want a break from the monotony of their lives.  They really want to connect with an attractive stranger and have an amazing time without any strings attached.

You can admit that stuff to yourself.  You can admit that kind of stuff to me.  And it’s important to be able to admit that kind of stuff.

Similarly, it’s possible that you weren’t consciously seeking a one-night stand, but you were also not entirely closed off to the idea.  Maybe you weren’t thinking, “Oh, when I go to Las Vegas with my friends next weekend, I’m going to hook up with someone.”  But it’s also possible that you were kinda open to anything happening.  And when we’re kinda open to anything, anything might happen.

So the best of your ability to discern this, what were you seeking, and what were you open to when you went into the night of your one-night stand?  I’ll say more about why this matters later.

Now I want you to ask yourself if there was a moment in which you were aware that you were heading down a particular path, and what you were thinking when you realized that.  Again, we’re assuming your experience was consensual, and that you were sober-enough to consent.  Assuming that, was there are moment when you realized, “Hey, I’m not going to walk away from this situation.  I see where it’s going, and I’m not going to change course.”  If you had a moment of recognition like that, what were you thinking?

So for instance, maybe you were thinking something like, “I really shouldn’t do this, but this is too good to pass up.”  Maybe you were thinking something like, “My partner back at home with the kids will never know about this, this is just something for me and it isn’t a big deal.”  Maybe you weren’t thinking about your partner at all.  Maybe you were already worrying about how you would explain this to your partner.  Maybe you were thinking about something else entirely.  Again, I’m going to tell you why this may matter later, but for now, just do your best to get a read on what you were thinking when you knew you were crossing the rubicon.

Now, I want you to ask yourself what you think about your one-night stand now.  If you’d already forgotten about it, until you saw this podcast episode and decided to tune in, that’s information.  If you exchanged contact information with the person you had a one-night stand with and you have been in touch with them, that’s information.  If you have hooked up with them again or are planning to, that is also information.  If you are trying to figure out when you can have another one-stand with someone, that’s information.  If you have fond memories of your one-night stand occasionally but never think about it otherwise, that’s information, too. Okay, I’ve got a few more questions for you to consider before I help you read the tea leaves a little bit.

What is your orientation to your committed relationship?  BE HONEST.  When people in a committed relationship have had a one-night stand, this is sometimes the hardest thing for them to think clearly about.  But I would argue that it’s the most important thing for you to think clearly about.  So if you’re having trouble thinking clearly about where you stand in regards to your committed relationship, let’s talk.  Schedule yourself an introductory coaching session with me and let’s get you some clarity on where you stand in regards to your committed relationship. 

Sometimes a one-night stand is nothing more than a reflection of the fact that humans do have the capacity to be attracted to multiple people, even when they are in a committed relationship that they’re really happy with, and a reflection of the fact that when we’re intoxicated we may act on desires that we otherwise might not act on.  But sometimes, having a one-night stand is a great way to distract yourself from dealing with being dissatisfied with your committed relationship.  If you’re unhappy in your committed relationship, and you don’t want to acknowledge that or think about that very hard, having a one-night stand can serve as fantastic distraction.  For one thing, there’s the experience itself.  But then you get the opportunity to view the one-night as the problem, and you get the opportunity to get all worked up about that… instead of taking a good look at where you stand in regards to your committed relationship. 

Final question for now, is this your first drunken one-night stand?  Or your first in a long while?  If you are in the habit of having drunken one-night stands, especially if you’re in a committed relationship that is supposed to be monogamous, this may be an indication that it’s time to take a look at your relationship, or relationship with monogamy, or your relationship with drinking.  Or all three of those things!  But if this was a one-time thing for you, here’s my two cents.

If you are honestly and genuinely delighted to be with your committed partner, and you really don’t have an interest in getting involved with other people, you may want to chalk your drunken one-night stand up to a flirtation that got carried away.  People get carried away sometimes.  It’s most definitely a part of the human experience.

On the other hand, if you recognize that you were kind of looking for some action when you had your one-night stand, and you’ve been in touch with the person you hooked up with, and maybe even seen them again, it is probably time to take a close look at what you want in your committed relationship right now.  And, to echo what I’ve already said, that may seem TERRIBLY inconvenient!  It may be a lot more fun to continue thinking about your one-night stand, and asking yourself potentially unanswerable questions about what it all means.  But if you recognize that you were consciously looking to have a one-night stand, or at least open to the possibility, you may save yourself a lot of grief in the longer term by being willing to say, “Okay, my behavior suggests that I may not be entirely thrilled about my committed relationship.  What do I want to do about that?”  And then being willing to actually answer that question.  Sometimes a one-night stand isn’t really about the one-night stand.

So do you tell your committed partner about your one-night stand?

My strong recommendation is that if you do tell your partner, you need to make sure you know what you’re going to say about the state of your relationship with them, and what you want in terms of the future of your relationship with them.  I am also of the opinion that if you are going to tell your partner about your one-night stand, you should be clear with yourself about why you are telling them.

So it’s one thing to tell someone, “Hey listen, I got drunk and slept with someone and I needed to tell you this because I need to get tested for STIs and you may need to, too, and I am so sorry about this, because I care about our relationship so much and I really don’t have any interest in being with other people.  I take full responsibility for my actions, but I can say with total confidence that this would not have happened if there hadn’t been a lot of alcohol involved.”

It's another thing to tell someone, “Hey, I had sex with someone when I went to Vegas last weekend and I’m not really sure what this means for our relationship but I wanted to be honest with you because that’s just the right thing to do, but I don’t really know what else to say about where you and I stand right now.”

In the first scenario, there’s a clear reason for your honesty – testing for STIs may be necessary.  There’s a clear statement about where you stand in relation to the committed relationship.  And there’s a clear statement of responsibility, apology, and intent.  On the other hand, the second statement could easily be interpreted as, “Here’s my mess!  Now you make sense of it!”

So before you try to figure out whether or what to tell your partner about your one-night stand, figure out where you stand in regards to your committed relationship.  If, upon reflection, you realize that you either don’t want to be with them anymore, or you aren’t sure if you want to be with them anymore, focus on that.  Focus on ending the relationship in a way that you feel good about. 

Here’s a thing that it’s really important to be aware of.  Some people try to use the “I had a one-night stand” as a way to get their partner to break up with them.  They think that if their partner knows about the one-night stand, they will be so angry about the infidelity that they will break up with them.  And then they – the person who had the one-night stand - won’t have to do the uncomfortable work of acknowledging their dissatisfaction in the relationship or initiating a breakup. 

But this may not work!  Upon hearing that you had a one-night stand, your partner may say, “I don’t care, I love you, I want to be with you, I want to make our relationship work.”  OR they may say, “Okay, do you want to be with me or not?  Where do YOU want to go from here?”  Disclosing your one-night stand may not solve for what you think doing that will solve for.  So be honest with yourself: are you thinking of telling your partner about your one-night stand because you’re hoping that will prompt them to break up with you?

Now let’s assume that you are sure you want to be with your committed partner.  You love them, you love your relationship, you don’t plan on having a one-night stand again, you’re as sure as you can be that there’s no risk of STI transmission, and you are as sure as you can be that they would never find out about your one-night stand unless you told them. 

Under those conditions, should you tell them?  Do you have to tell them?

I don’t think those are the right questions to ask.  I think the better questions to ask yourself are, “Do you want to tell them?” and “Why or why not?”

We – and by we, I’m speaking primarily for Americans, but not exclusively for Americans – tend to fetishize the shit out of honesty.  We tend to think of honesty as an absolute good, or an ultimate good that trumps all other potential goods.  But is it?  You get to decide for yourself.  Some people I’ve worked with have come to the conclusion that it is truly right for them to tell their partner about their one-night stand, because they believe it IS valuable in an absolute sense to tell their partner.  And they’re willing to deal with whatever their partner’s reaction is.

And if that’s what you want to do, great.  Just be sure you’re telling the truth for clear reasons that you like, and that you are prepared to deal with whatever comes from telling the truth. 

Similarly, if you and your partner have some sort of agreement about what you would do if a situation like this arose, you might want to honor that agreement.  Like, maybe you have pact to tell each other if you ever do anything that counts as infidelity within the terms of your relationship.  That might be a great reason for you to choose to tell your partner what happened.

But it’s also possible that there might be great reasons to NOT tell your partner about your one-night stand.  It’s possible that they wouldn’t want to know about it.  It’s possible that you don’t see how telling them could benefit them in any way.  It’s possible that you consider this your private business, and you want to keep it as such.  It’s possible that you consider this incident something that could cause a rupture in your relationship, and you don’t want to introduce that rupture when your relationship is so great, and you have no intentions of doing anything like this again anytime soon.    

I know there are zillions of moral absolutists out there who will tell you that you HAVE to tell your partner about your one-night stand, period.  But you actually don’t have to.  You don’t have to do anything!  And I know there are also people out there who will tell you that the truth ALWAYS comes to light, and your partner WILL find out about your one-night stand at some point, for sure, no ifs ands or buts about it.  And what I have to say to those folks is, prove it.  Finally, there are also people out there who will tell you that keeping this secret from your partner will corrode your relationship, and poison your bond with your partner.  My response to that is, it all depends on what you do with this secret of yours.

How you relate to a secret – or whether you even consider a piece of information a secret at all – matters a lot.  Again, I know there are people out there who will you tell you that keeping a secret makes us sick, or keeps us sick.  Or some variation of that idea.  And while I understand and agree that sometimes keeping certain information to ourselves does a disservice to ourselves and to others, it doesn’t always work that way. 

You are allowed to relegate your drunken one-night stand to the compost bin of history.  After a few weeks or a few months, you may find that you’ve even forgotten about it.  Any event in our lives is only as significant as we make it.  So if your one night stand wasn’t a big deal for you, I urge you to ask yourself what you hope to accomplish by telling your partner about it.

The answer might well be nothing.  And if that’s the case, you may want to give yourself permission to not tell them, and to move on and forget about the whole thing.

And if you’ve already given yourself permission to move on and forget about the whole thing, terrific.  But if you want to do that, but you’re waiting for someone else to tell you it’s okay, what you need to know is that YOU are the only permission-giver who matters in this situation.

Here’s one last thing about honesty that I want to mention.  Sometimes our motivation for being honest is to feel better.  We’re in a committed relationship, we slept with someone else, we feel guilty, and we think that if we tell our partner the truth, we’ll feel relieved, and they will be so proud of us for being honest, and they will give us a gold star for being so forthcoming and truthful, and then they will forgive us for our one-night stand.  And then we’ll get to feel better!  We won’t have to feel guilty anymore, our honesty will have created a more intimate bond with our partner, and everything will be great. 

And that COULD happen.  Something like the scenario I just described COULD happen for you.  Maybe you tell your partner about what you did and they applaud you for your honesty and forgive you and you get to feel really good instead of feeling bad.  But that also might not happen.  Your partner may not be delighted to hear what you have to tell them.  They may feel hurt and betrayed and pissed off, and they may let you know that.  They may wish that you’d kept the information to yourself, and they may let you know that, too.  Instead of giving you a gold star for your honesty, they may get very, very upset about your infidelity.

So please, think carefully about what you hope to accomplish by telling your partner about your one-night stand before you choose to tell them or not tell them.  And keep in mind that no matter what you choose to do, you may feel a fair amount of discomfort.  NOT telling your partner might feel uncomfortable.  But telling them may occasion a lot of discomfort for you, too!  So instead of looking for an option that will allow you to feel better fast, I encourage you to choose your actions based on what you think is best for you and your relationship.

I’ll conclude by saying that if you’ve chosen to not tell your partner about your drunken one-night stand and you don’t feel uncomfortable about that, that’s not a sign that anything is wrong with you.  That doesn’t mean you’re a sociopath or a psychopath or a narcissist or an anything.  You get to decide what your drunken one-night stand means to you, and if you’ve decided it means nothing and you just want to move on, that is totally legitimate.

All right everyone.  That is it for today.  If you need my help dealing with your infidelity situation in a way that is truly right for you, let’s work together.  There are two ways you can have me as your coach.  We can work together one-on-one via Zoom, or you can enroll in my online course, You’re Not the Only One.  Why wait any longer for some relief and a clear path forward?  The rest of your life, beyond the drama and the difficulty of your infidelity situation is waiting for you.  To enroll in my course or to schedule an introductory coaching session, go to my website, mariemurphyphd.com.

Thank you all so much for listening! Bye for now.